I guess it would be too easy to call this the ultimate ‘happy ending’. Instead, with this weeks announcement that Dion Phaneuf and Elisha Cuthbert are engaged, it seems like a convenient excuse to consider what Buck Martinez and Bob McCowan would make of this impending holy communion; i.e. look at it from both a glass half-full and half-empty perspective.
1) Positive: Cuthbert has arguably enjoyed a more successful career to date, showing that Phaneuf believes in equality and does not let his male ego get the better of him.
2) Negative: In the absence of any such ego, Phaneuf may have no drive to improve as a player. As captain of the Maple Leafs, you’re supposed to lead by example. If last season is anything to go by, that means he starts off strong before limping towards the finishing line. We can only hope this form is not replicated in the bedroom department, especially for Elisha’s sake.
3) Positive: Getting married and having an attractive wife to go home to every night, may galvanise Phaneuf, resulting in his being motivated to put in a good performance come game-time.
4) Negative: Being married could have the reverse effect, with Phaneuf thinking: “What do I care about hockey? Win or lose, I’m get to go home to frickin’ Elisha Cuthbert after the game!”
5) Positive: Renowned nut-job Sean Avery famously referred to Cuthbert as ‘sloppy seconds’. However, giving the way Avery’s NHL career imploded, she appears to have made the right decision with picking Phaneuf. Just.
6) Negative: Sloppy seconds is still sloppy seconds, no matter how you present it.
7) Positive: One of them constantly ranks well in the list of attractive Canadians. Hint: It’s not Dion.
8 )Negative: One of them has been accused of overacting and being dirty. Hint: It’s not Elisha.
9) Positive: Elisha Cuthbert starred in 24, only one of the best kick-ass TV shows of the 21st century, with one of the all-time great characters; the legendary Jack Bauer.
10) Negative: Even If you combine their ages, Cuthbert and Phaneuf still don’t add up to the length of the Maple Leafs Stanley Cup drought. Okay, maybe I made that last one up but depressingly, they’re not that far off.
Photo credit: Getty Images